[Quick note: sorry it has taken me so long to post this! It's been done for 2 weeks now and I just haven't gotten on to actually put it up. God bless!!]
You know, lately I have been really struggling with guilt about
struggling with my relationship with God. I see so many people now who post
Bible verses, and love people (almost) all the time, and though they mess up,
they're quick to say "It's okay, God forgives me, and He still loves me
and wants me" and they seem to move on with their lives. Then there's me
over here, constantly thinking of myself, forgetting to pray before I eat or go
to bed (and just in general), falling asleep, or starting to, while trying to
read even a chapter in the Bible in the morning, and I keep thinking Jesus
asking his friends in the Garden of Gethsemane 'You couldn't even stay awake
with me for one hour? Come on, wake up already and pray.'
It's not that I'm struggling with having faith or knowing God will
come through for me--it's me feeling like I fail him when I can't even stay
awake to pray. That-I think- is the one that gets me the most, because I know that on those days where
I'm able to spend time in God's word and just focus for a while, the rest of my
day goes so much better.
I've prayed for a little while now that God would give me a
passion for him and for His word, and one thing out of this awareness and guilt
that I am ecstatic about is that I'm starting
to feel it. No longer am I thinking only of myself, but more and
more often there is the realization that 'oh, I haven't read my Bible today,'
or 'oh I haven't thought about that story in a long time--let's find it and
read it again!' Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! It's only the beginning, but God is answering my prayer in front
of my eyes!
It's a really big step when you first realize that there is a
problem that needs to be addressed, then another when you feel the burden to
address it, so even though that's only 2 steps, they are steps in the right
direction, and each one is worth praising God over.
If you haven't already heard the story of Jesus' forty days in the
wilderness, you can find it in Matthew 4:1-11. In it, Jesus has just been
baptized by his cousin John, and for 40 days (just shy of 6 weeks), Jesus goes
to be tempted in the wilderness. For 6
weeks Jesus is tempted, and it is important to note that each time He
is tempted, Satan uses God's words
to tempt Him. Just like Satan took those words and twisted them to try to
confuse Jesus, He takes those words that are said and twists the context
to confuse you, and that is exactly what I've realized he is doing to
me. You can't think that Satan would use the words that Jesus was there to help write to
tempt Him, and would not use them to tempt you.
I just have to learn other/better ways to wake myself up more
quickly in the morning so I can focus on His word. I need to keep the phone
away and, before I even check Facebook or the weather, to connect with Him. I
have to make myself remember that when Jesus spoke those words to His friends
in the garden, He was not speaking out of judgement, but out of anguish about
the pain he was about to experience, and that they still had no idea or were
not passionate enough about it to do something about it. I have to get it into
my head that having a relationship with Jesus is a life or death thing.
Yes, Jesus saved me 13 years ago and won the war for my soul, but
I still have to get through the battles that happen for my attention every
single day. And still, I don't have to get through them alone. Jesus was human
for 33 years--he knows exactly what
it is like to feel tired, body and soul, and He is eager to provide you with
that life-giving water if you would just ask. Even in the little things you
think you should be able to do on your own-like staying awake in the morning
for me, or maybe genuinely smiling at that person you really can't stand-sometimes
you need to ask for help and that's okay.
John
7:37-38 (CEV)
37 On the last and most important day of the festival, Jesus
stood up and shouted, “If you are thirsty, come to me and drink! 38 Have
faith in me, and you will have life-giving water flowing from deep inside you,
just as the Scriptures say."
Philippians 1:6 (NIV)
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within
you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ
Jesus returns.
